Fill

So on Monday the 23rd I got a fill to my lap-band.  I not have 2 1/2 cc's of saline in my band and I feel pretty good.  My weight loss is hovering right around 20lbs.  I am hoping to lose another 8lbs or so before my next fill in 6 weeks.

Other than the chest pain that goes all the way through to my back every once in a while, I feel pretty good.  I do need someone to rub the area of my back where the pain is a few times a week.  The pain is not bad, it's mostly annoying.  I am not sure if it means that something is stuck in my band or if it's just the pain of recovering from the surgery, because the pain is intermittent and also it stops when I eat.  I asked the doctor and he has never heard of these symptoms, so I am just taking it day by day.

I am totally looking forward to being lighter!!  I have been doing a bit of yoga and some belly dancing but boy does it hurt to exercise!  My body is really not used to moving as much and not eating very much.

So overall I feel great and it's a slow race to the finish line :)

Nothing New

I wont get my first fill until May 11th so I am not expecting to lose any weight until then.  I am hovering around 223, sometimes going down to 219.  I am back to eating everything normally, nothing gets stuck in my band anymore, but I do get pain if I eat too much so I am eating smaller portions.  I don't plan on writing daily since nothing is changing.  I will write as new things happen.

Happy Birthday to Me

So I am 32 years old today and it feels pretty good to be losing weight.  The only bad part is I have stalled again.  Seems I stall every once in a while but then lose 2 pounds overnight.  Everyone says it's water weight but I have no idea.  Tomorrow I get to see my doctor for my first check up after the surgery.  I am pretty sure he is not going to tighten my band but I wish he would.  It's been a bit over a month since I started the process and I have lost an overall total of 17 pounds which is not bad.  I am supposed to average 8 pounds a month so I am way ahead of schedule.

I have been eating salads, homemade, with boiled chicken, which sounds flavorless and boring but it's actually not.  I season the water and then I season the chicken after I remove it from the bone.  It's so good.  I have 5 or 6 different types of salad dressing and many different types of toppings so it's a great meal.  I also made potato soup and thats great too.

Yesterday my best friend Tamara took me out for Ice Cream since I cant have birthday cake.  It was delicious!  I have lots of photos of the piles and piles of ice cream we ordered up.  The whole gang was there.  We had a good time.  Tonight I am going to the movies, hopefully to watch a really scary movie and not eat any popcorn :( I wonder if I will ever be able to eat popcorn again.

So thats all for now, hopefully the weight will keep coming off and I will have more to write about.

Pizza BAD!

So I had a bad night, then I got a bit of short term memory loss and ended up having a bad day too!!!  How does something like that happen?  You ask...

Well let me just tell you!

So last night my sister-in-law was here with my niece and nephew, and my husband was awake and we were all hanging out in front of the house smokin' the hookah!  Tobacco, not weed :P  So dinner time rolled around and we decided to order out for pizza.  My mouth watered at the thought!!  YAY PIZZA!!  I quickly ran to the phone and ordered me up some BBQ Chicken goodness from Round Table.

When we sat down to eat I was like "UUmmm I am not supposed to eat pizza yet, it's only been like 2 1/2 weeks since the surgery"  And my family was like "awww too bad"  But like a trooper I thought I would eat just the toppings, I mean how bad can some chicken and cheese and bacon and stuff be right?!?!  IT WAS BAD!!

BAD BAD BAD!!!

I ate 2 pieces, just the toppings and I was out for the night.  I was rolling around on the floor begging for a swift death!  It's kinda like peering over the rim of the toilet and swearing to god that you will never touch tequila again, only I couldn't throw up to save my arse!!

I suffered agonizing pain all night and finally passed out.

Have you ever heard the story of little bunny foo foo?  Well that was me....THE NEXT DAY...

So I wake up in the morning feeling fine and dandy.  I had my cup-o-coffee and was feeling a bit hungry, so I had some chicken wheat thing that Assyrian people eat, it's creamy and goes down nicely and Damien had some too.  We were full and content.

At noon it was time for lunch and I was starving, it's crazy since the lap-band I actually get hungry at normal times and have to eat 3 meals a day with small snack in between, JUST LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE!!!

Okay so noon rolls around and I go into the kitchen to find me some yummy yummy goodness.  I open the fridge and there is lentil soup, that I have been eating since Sunday (it's now Thursday) so I nix that off the list - I am so sick of soup, after this experience I will probably never eat soup again.  I turn around from the fridge and there on the counter....the skies open up and the angels sing and WALLAH pizza.....yummy yummy pizza.

Where is my brain you ask?  Well I know I was nearly dead last night, but as Monty Python so eloquently put it I GOT BETTER!!  So I thought, okay I had 2 pieces last night that's why I nearly died, so today I will only have 1.  I carefully selected the largest piece I could find (Well I was only going to eat 1 piece!) and I covered it in red pepper flakes and Parmesan cheese, plopped it into the microwave and watched it with watering mouth for the whole minute as it spun around like gooey yummy goodness.

DING

I pulled it out the microwave and plopped down on the couch to enjoy it slowly and methodically.  I was fine until the last sinful bite, oh it was so damn good!!!  I ate everything but the breading.  No crust for me, just toppings.

A few minutes later a feeling crept up my throat...slowly.,..slowly.....slowly.....DEADLY!!!!! DYING!!! PAIN!!! FIRE IN MY CHEST!!!  Again I was rolling on the rolling asking god to please kill me now.

It is now 8 pm, 8 hours since I swallowed my last morsel and I am still hurting a bit.  It's a pain that shoots from my chest into my back and nothing will relieve it!!  I don't know how I made it today, I was sure I would die...hell I might even die now, who knows...But mark my words!!  I will never eat pizza again!!!

For those of you who food is a passion (as it was for me) don't do it!!!  This lap-band crap is evil!!  I shouldn't say that.  But man the pain is so damn horrid!  How do they expect me to eat soup for 5 weeks and baby food for 3 weeks?!?!!?  Who can survive on that crap!?!?

I think the only way I get through it is by thinking how I am going to give the big FUCK YOU to all the skinny bitches in Victoria's Secret when I am skinny and they have to help me pick out a bra, and I will make them spent hours looking for a nice bra then leave without buying one, and make sure to remind them how they treated me when I was a big girl.  Is that sick and twisted?  Well I don't care :p

On a good note, I have not been hungry since noon, I guess when you are praying for a quick death food doesn't seem so important LOL

Feeling great!

On Friday I went out of town for a birthday party and I was feeling a little crappy, worried I had eaten something that had gotten stuck in the band, but I stuck to liquid all weekend and I feel great now.  I have lost 17 pounds and I am starting to see a difference.  My clothes are loose and I have more energy.  Some food bothers me and I feel some pain in my chest but otherwise I am ok.

A few days ago I noticed one of my wounds was infected a little but now I am on anti-biotics and I am better.  Everything is looking up and I am so excited!!  I will post new pics soon.

New Day

I got on the scale today and it says I am 222, which I am sure is a lie.  I can't believe my eyes!!  I am the incredibly shrinking woman!!  While I am very excited about my weight loss I am feeling unsure about the rest of my life.

My husband and I are not getting along.  Just like most married couples we have the usual run of the mill problems, but we also have problems that are not easily solvable and require either a lot of attention or simply to call it quits.

That is what I am struggling with right now.  I would like to be able to work on a solution to our problems, but the effort and time and commitment it takes to fix everything that is wrong just seems so overwhelming!  I personally take half of the blame for everything that is going on.  I am a very stubborn person and I like things just so, but if my partner is not willing to take any blame then how can we work it out?

So I am thinking my marriage is over.  Now the hard part begins.  He is not talking to me, sharing his plans so that I know what my next step is going to be.  I have taken the initiative and I am meeting with a career counsellor tomorrow to see where I need to be.

I am also going to call my family therapist and see if she can help me sort some of this stuff out.  As for the lap-band my problems are so small!  I have small pains here and there around my stomach but I feel great!  It's been hardly a week and I can eat soft foods with only small discomfort.  I am steadily loosing weight still and it makes me believe I am doing something right.

I stopped the pain meds. Sunday night was my last dose and I feel better for it.  The meds are awesome, but they make me feel out of it and I can care less if the world goes down in flames around me.  It's hard to stay away from them when life is so turbulent right now but I know that I need to get back to life and face them music.

Holy Crap!!

13 lbs!!  I have lost 13 pounds!  I got up on the scale and I was 223 today!  Thats like 2 lbs less then yesterday!!  I haven't updated the thingy at the top of this blog because I am sure the scale is either broken or it's  water weight or something.  No one loses 2 lbs in 1 day.

I feel lighter and my skin looks good!  I am in a good mood, even though my shoulder is still hurting and my belly is still pretty sore.  Another weird thing is I get dizzy after I have anything with calories.  I was fine when I woke up this morning but after a few sips of coffee my head is spinning and I feel like I kids on a sugar rush.

Hopefully after this famine phrase of this diet the dizziness will go away.  I think I am going to start doing some yoga or something next week, I feel like I need to stretch.  Even though I a a big girl I am not used to laying about for so long and it's weird to be so immobile.

Last night I had some mashed potatoes and kept it down.  I wonder how much wieght I have to lose before clothes are not tight on me anymore.

11 lbs!!!

3 days after surgery and I feel great!!  11 lbs gone!  I am 225 and I am loving it.  I still feel really dizzy if I move around too fast or sit up for too long, and I am still sore all over my body but it feels so damn good to be 11 lbs lighter!

I had a hell of a time yesterday.  I was achy and my husband was not being supportive at all.  I asked him to get me a pillow for behind my head and he wrenched my head up so fast it felt like someone stuck a dagger in my belly.  Then he handed my my med without a cup to take it in and walked away to get back to his precious card game.

I don't think I can ever forgive him for the way he has treated me while I am down.  I just needed someone to talk to to keep my mind off the pain and he couldn't be bothered.  It's all good though.  I need to realize that this is a journey I have to take by myself and for myself and celebrate on my own.  I don't need anyone else, I can do it alone and take all the credit myself.  I don't know why I am shocked he has always been very aloof when I have needed him, but this time I wont forget it, he shot himself in the foot this time.

Thankfully my cousin called me last night and made me laugh for 3 hours and forget all my worries, too bad it was already after I had taken a double dose of my meds.  I need to stop with the meds already, they stop the pain but man I pay for it later.  They make me dizzy and sick to my stomach and when they wear off my whole body hurts.

I got to take my first shower today!!  It's so nice to get the stench of hospital off me!  I feel clean and new and a bit shiny.  I need to go lay back down for a bit and get rid of this dizzy feeling but maybe I will write more later.

9 lbs lost

Day 2 after surgery and I feel like shit.  My tummy doesnt hurt too much, but I am damn sore.  My hand and arm where they had the IV is swollen and hurts a lot.  Makes it hard because I am right handed and it's my right hand thats so painful.  My shoulder is also pretty sore still, nit sure what thats from.  Maybe the nurses and docs beat me while I was asleep :p

I feel really sleepy but I am having a hard time sleeping.  I ended up taking some pain meds last night, and I am seriously thinking of taking some right now.  I want to hold off as much as possible because once the meds wear off I have all kinds of pains that have nothing to do with the surgery.

My lungs are pretty jacked also.  I am having a hard time taking a deep breath.  My whole chest hurts, lungs ribs upper tummy, everywhere.  The good news is I am not hungry at all.  I just want to sleep.  I am going to go lay down now and see if I can get a few mins of shut eye before Demona comes home from school and the baby wakes up.  Thats all I can manage to write for today, maybe more tomorrow.

Day After

Yay!!  I made it I am alive!!  Yesterday morning I had to be at the hospital at 6am, which meant waking up at 5am.  The nurse wanted me to take a shower using a special soap that help cut down on infection.  So I got up and took my shower while my husband got the kids ready and we were off. Since children are not allowed into hospitals (children under 12) because of the whole swine flu thing and because we had no one to watch the kids that early in the morning, I had to check in by myself.


All that went off without a hitch, the nurses got me a bed quickly and had me changed into those hospital gowns, you know the ones that have your booty hanging out.  Then they wanted me to go pee, so I went.  I love how they make sure you are in the bootyless gown and then they want you to go prancing around the NOT private room.  Ahh well, my booty may be huge but it's cute :p  Afterward a few other nurses showed up to get my IV in and give me some good meds to help relax me.  They brought me some water and made sure I was comfy.

Shorty after that the anesthesiologist showed up to give me the good stuff to put me out.  I was saddened that he didn't look like Ricky Martin.  He was kind of a douche bag.  Dr Lee, bless his soul, he tried his best to make sure I screamed as much as possible while he forced tons of different meds into my IV.  They gave me antibiotics, pain killers, sleep inducers and something that is supped to help with nausea.  It burned like a mother fucker and the last thing I remember is screaming my head off and trying to get those fucks off of me.

The next thing I remember is waking up with the worst shoulder pain in the world.  Now mind you I have had 2 children, all those contractions and birthing pains, the pain from my toe surgery, NOTHING and I mean NOTHING was like this pain in my should.  Let me just put it this way, I woke up asking "Did you break my collar bone?!?!"  So fell asleep screaming and woke up screaming.

I was told the shoulder pain is from the gases they use to inflate your abdomen during the surgery.  Whatever it was it was hell and lasted from 11am till midnight.  No amount of narcotics helped.  Needless to say I felt like giving up and dying.

Today has been awesome though.  I have been up and around and the pain was so low that I didn't need any narcotics until 1pm.  I feel like someone punched me in the tummy but that's about it.  Of course it hurts a lot when I move but nothing like the shoulder pain from yesterday, that shit was hell.

I have a nice pic of my tummy, and I was sure you guys are dying to see!!  So here it is

 

As you can see it's not bad at all, only 5 entrance holes.  I am able to take small sips of stuff and feel great today.  Hopefully it will just get easier and easier from here on out :)  

At the moment I am laying in bed, and drugged up so if parts of this post are incoherent it's cuz I am back on the juice, and by juice I mean Tylenol 3, the good stuff lol.

Tomorrow is the Day!!

I am so damn excited!!!  I cant wait!  So here are the before pictures, I will try to post monthly pictures to show my progress.

I spent the day at the Docs office getting blood drawn, chest X-Ray and an EKG.  All went well until the last part, the chest X-Ray and the technician asked me if I had any other chest X-Rays taken for comparison.  That threw me off, I asked what they would compare them to and she said to see if there was any growths.  I didnt ask her anymore because technicians aren't really supposed to tell patients anything.  I asked my own nurse later if there was a reason for the tech to ask me and the nurse said it was a general question asked to all patients.

I have had X-Rays done in that clinic before, and I have never been asked about previous X-Rays.  Ah well, I have enough to worry about without having to pile more unto it.

So as the time is getting closer I am getting more and more nervous.  Today I actually googled
"last will and testament".  I have never been afraid of getting a surgery, like when I got my toe surgery I was brave as can be, but I don't know what it is this time.  Maybe it's because I have 2 kids now and one of them is barely 1 years old, so I am fretting.  I ended up not making any kind of will, but I told anyone who would listen my wishes.

One of my biggest fears is ending up like a vegetable and being left on life support.  I guess I should have thought of this stuff before, ah well times up.  Hopefully every thing will go smoothly and I will live a long and skinny life :)

Day 13

Woooo Whoooo!!!  8 lbs lost!  I am feeling great!  I think I can actually do this!  I wasn't so sure yesterday.  I had the most awful cramps!!  I don't know what it was hunger pains or gas pains or menstrual cramps, or maybe that sneaky hamburger going through my intestines and teaching a lesson on cheating during a starvation diet.

I got over it though and I feel great today!!  It's so encouraging when you weight yourself and see you have lost weight!!  I really hope this trend continues.  I am really scared about regaining the weight!  Ah well time will tell and for now I just want to enjoy my excitement about these 8 lbs!!

More later...

New Day

It's a new day and I feel better, thanks to my friend Tamara.  I went to her house yesterday and talked to a few women who had this surgery before.  It's good to know there is people close at hand who have had the surgery and are happy.  It was weird how upset I was yesterday.  I am usually not a weepy type person, but for some reason I was crying all day long and just generally sad.  Ah well, I am back to normal today and hope it's all up hill from here.

I am really excited for Tuesday, and can't wait.  So I got a call yesterday from the Hospital, they want me to come in and pre-reg for the surgery.  On Monday I will have to run over to my Doc's office and get my pre-op appointment out of the way then run over to the hospital and pre-reg.  YAY!! It's almost here.  Hopefully everything will go well and this is going to be the beginning of a new awesome chapter in my life...woot!

On a side note, I was not hungry all day yesterday.  I ended up just drinking coffee and I was fine.  Today I am a bit hungry but I have had nothing so far except for coffee.  I am goignt o have one of my disgusting optipuke shakes, I really have to keep up this diet because I dont want to compromise the surgery.  It would really suck if I go in on Monday and they make me wait an extra week or something, I would prolly go postal at that point lol.

I am still only down 6 lbs which is so weird.  I was expecting to lose at least 10 lbs by Tuesday but now I am sure I wont hit that goal, I just hope this is not setting a trend for the rest of my weight loss!!  I am also going to be on the look out for some low impact workout routines.  I am not really a yoga type person, but I think I might just try it.

Man it's going to be weird!!  I can't stop thinking about all the crazy changes that are about to happen!!  It's a bit exciting and a bit scary...

Weepy

I don't know if it's because I cheated yesterday or because mother nature decided to send Aunt Flo my way today, but today I am weepy as hell.  I just wanna crawl into a dark place and cry my eyes out.  I just finished watch tons of videos on you tube showing people losing incredible amounts of weight from the lap-band.  You would think that would make me happy but somehow it only makes me want to cry more.

I wish I had someone to go through this with me, someone to commiserate with, but I don't have that option.  I feel really alone right now.

I know I am the person I am because of my weight.  People who are bigger has awesome personalities, hell we have to!  We are the party starters, the jokers, the fun makers.  If I had started out as a skinny minnie I would probably not have this incredible need to make people like me.  The need to put a smile on peoples faces so they ignore the outside.

I am pretty angry too.  I look at someone like my husband, he will never be overweight - he eats the most awful garbage in the world, and I am sure his cholesterol is through the roof, but he is skinny, and that really pisses me off.  It's so frustrating to know that I can do everything he does and eat everything he eats, in exactly the amounts  he eats and I will gain and he won't.

My sister in laws friend hates exercise and loves to eat and she is skinny!  Does she work for it?  Hell NO!  It's disgusting.  I just hope this surgery works.  I am at my wits end and completely frustrated already.  I have the motivation but not the faith that it will work.

I have to push myself into a positive mood.  I can't sit around feeling sorry for myself.  It's very hard to look over my life and see how much different it would be had I been skinny.  I truly believe, had I been skinny, I would have a whole different outlook on life, a different group of friends, and a completely different attitude and personality.  I am who I am because of the weight, and I think most overweight people are like me.  We are lovable and kind and considerate and have tons of compassion for everyone.  We can relate to most other folks with disablities because we are basically in the same boat.

I recently heard someone (maybe it was a comedian) saying something like, fat people are fat because they can't control their urge to eat.  He suggested that all we need to do to lose the weight is to get our mouth sewn shut.  It's crazy but I thought to myself, "Can he be right?"  I am upset by his comments but I am also questioning myself now.

Bah!!  What a shitty day.  I have to do something to change my mood!  I have easter baskets to make and plastic eggs to fill and fun stuff to plan for the upcoming easter party I plan to have her at my house for all the kids.  It's going to be a blast.

I think I might try to stay away from YouTube for the rest of the time before my surgery, for some reason the "watch me shrink" videos are pushing me into a dark depression and I don't need that shit right now.  I just wish Ayhan was more supportive and would sit and hear out my problems.  It's hard going at this alone.  My best friend is too busy with her life. my daughter is too young and wouldn't understand why I am crying, I don't have any relationship with my parents.  Skinny people don't understand this problem, so I can't really ask my sister in law for advice...as a matter of fact I don't really know anyone who has had or is planning to have this surgery, who can help me go through this mess.  Maybe I should call my Doc and ask if he has anyone he can recommend for me to talk to.

Damn there I go again, I have to stop now.  Seriously, it might just be time to go shopping and try to get the hell out of this funk!!  I am going to get up and shake off this mess because this is the beginning of a new life and I can do this!!  Just watch me!!

(I think Charlie Sheen has infected me with his craziness!!  Crazy Bastich!!)

Naughty naughty!!

I CHEATED!!  and I don't even feel bad about it!!  I needed some meat!! Seriously, I had eaten meat every single day of my life until these pasted few days and it's so darn weird!!  I was craving meat, so I just went out and had a damn burger!  Just like that, and guess what?  It tasted like crap!  I should have cooked my own burger.

I was so shocked, my favorite burger tasted so horrid!!  No flavor at all, even the fries were bland.  I don't know if I was putting it into my own mind that it would taste awesome or something but there was no flavor.  I should have stopped after a few bites and moved on to something else.  I mean hell if I am going to eat 1000 calories might as well get some damn flavor.

Ah well.  Tomorrow is another day and I will be back on my diet and Tuesday I will be fixed for life, hopefully :)

At least the craving is gone for the moment.  Hopefully the next few days will be easier since I had this little "slip".  I just have this weird feeling that since I have only lost 6 pounds so far I am going to go into the Doc's office and he is going to tell me to go home and diet for 2 more weeks...at that point I might just go postal...seriously, you can keep a girl away from food this long and expect anything else :p

Well since my facebook games are broken and there is nothing on TV I am either going to call it an early night or I am going to wake my son up and force him to entertain me until I am sleepy...babies rock :)

Lost Day?

How weird is this?  I have lost a day somewhere.  So I started out with a 14 day (2weeks) OptiFast Diet but this is day 10 and I have 5 days left...WHA???  Who added a day on my diet!!  Maybe my math is wrong?  Left me recount using my toes this time...no no 10 plus 5 is really 15!!  Sick bastards they lied to me!!  So okay, day one was March 8th and my surgery is March 22nd, so I am guessing they don't count the surgery day as part of the OptiFast diet, since I am sure they are going to tell me nothing but water for 24 hours prior to the surgery.  Ah well whatever, I am just getting itchy to get this thing started.

I know this is going to be a long process but everything I had read about this surgery tells me that in 1 year I will be at my goal weight or close enough to it that it wont matter.  It's crazy to think this time next year I might actually be able to wear a bikini!!  I mean I have not worn a bikini since I was in 3rd grade!  How awesome is that?!?!

Plus, in 6 months I am going to be able to shop in the "normal" section of clothes!!  I might actually be a size 12! I haven't seen a size 12 since High School, and size 8 since middle school!  My sister in law is a size 4 I think (she looks like a size 0 to me but what the hell do I know) and I would LOVE to wear the same stuff she does.  She always looks so darn cute, like a supermodel.  I better take a quit time out to say a Mashalla and do a quick knock on wood and I will pinch her when she is here so I don't get accused of putting out evil eyes :p

I am just trying to say she has style!  And I have never really had style, I mean I dressed cute when I was in high school and just out of high school, but I have never been in style - I was always a few decades back lol.  I wore bell bottoms in 4th and 5th grade, and that was the 80's, then in the 90's I wore 80's tights and skirts, and then as an adult I have given up totally and just wear sweats and tee shirts.  I cant wait to wear really cute skirts and something called a "blouse" w00t w00t!!

One other thing I am excited about....VICTORIA'S SECRET!!! YAY!!!  I mean at this weight I went into a Victoria's Secret store for a special they were having on bras.  I was going to get measured and wear a "properly" sized bra for once, but guess what?  The girl was like "ummm we don't carry that size, you might wanna try Fredrick's"  I was so embarrassed!  Now for those of you who are not in the "know" the bras come in cup sizes A, B, C, and so on but also around your chest size and Victoria's Secret is bitch don't like fat folk!! But guess what?  In just a short while I will be able to go into V's and be like "Hello fellow skinny bitches, give me a bra" and thats going to taste soooo sweet!!

Not only that but I will be able to wear whatever the EF I want!!  Imma be running around in matching outfit with my 7 year old!  AND OMG come this Halloween I am going to be able to tramp it up like other skinny girls!!  I AM GOING TO BE A SKINNY GIRL!!!!  Holy crap I am so excited...

*breathing*  Well now you have just experienced the deep dark secrets of the fat girl lol  I am sure there is many other things that are going to rock about being skinnier and healthier but seriously, the only thing I can think about right now is how I am finally going to be able to wear the cute clothes.  Thats so damn vain.

Okay for those of you who I have not alienated yet...I am going to start posting pictures once a month of my progress.  I had a hard time deciding what I am going to wear in these pictures if anything at all, but I really don't want naked pics on the net so I am going to do a bathing suit.  Once I find a proper gallery plugin for this blog I will start posting :)

I think it would be fun to post daily pics and then make a video of the "incredible shrinking woman" but that might take way too much time and I don't know how much time I am going to have, with summer coming up and Demona being out of school.  So we will see.

Day 9

So it's day 9 and I am doing good.  I had some pretty bad cravings last night around 8pm but after a chocolate optipuke shake I was okay.

Sleeping a lot helps.  I try to nap during the day when my son is asleep and when my daughter is at school and then I go to bed early every night (11pm - it's early for me) so I can avoid those midnight craving for Jack in the Box, especially those yummy yummy bacon and cheddar potato wedges *drool*

Today I actually sat and watched my family eat pizza, and even cut up a slice and fed my son and I didn't cheat.  I am getting better.  I am not hungry anymore, not at all, but I do crave snacks.  I miss sunflower seeds and flaming hot Cheetos.  I hate Taco Bell and I usually wouldn't be tempted but the other day I was watching TV and Taco Bell has a new burrito with Cheetos in it!!  I was like "Great I go on a diet and they come up with something I might actually like!!"  I am telling you it's a conspiracy.

I also find it's easier to watch recorded tv and skip over the food ads, because the burgers are my weak point, Jack in the Box...yum.

LOL all I am talking about is food and I claim not to be hungry, oh well at least that weird empty feeling in my tummy is gone and it's not grumbling as much anymore.

So only 6 days to go, and I think I can actually make it.

Something weird, I weighted myself this morning and I was 230.4lbs and now I am 231.8, seems just smelling food makes me gain weight :p  I know I am not supposed to be keeping track this much but it's fun to see how much my weight is fluctuating.

Weirdness

Okay so it's 6:30pm on day 8 and I not hungry.  I am not craving anything and I am feeling good.  I had some stress from friends and family earlier today and usually when I am really stressed out I am not hungry.  But I am not sure that's the whole reason.  O really think I am finally getting used to not eating anything.  I don't get the feeling that I am missing something anymore.  And I am not craving something to chew on.  Overall, I feel pretty good.  I hope this lasts, because last night I was really having a tough time staying away from potato chips.

It is hard knowing that there is still 7 days until the surgery and I am finding it hard to wait!!  I have started rereading a great book A Game Of Thrones by George R.R. Martin.  I am hoping it will keep my mind off of the upcoming surgery and my impatience about everything.

It's actually been really nice not having to think about what I am going to eat next.  I have just a handful of things I am allowed to have so I have a nice and easy to follow menu.

Coffee and low fat sugarless french vanilla creamer for breakfast, a few cups till about 3pm
A milkshake - optisludge either chocolate or vanilla for lunch
A sugar fee Popsicle for a snack
Around 4pm I had another OptiYuk shake this time vanilla mixed with orange crystal lite blended with ice (taste just like a creamsicle!)
6pm 1 coffee mug of chicken broth with some lemon juice - yum!
and sometime before I go to bed at 11pm I have 1 more optisludge drink, this time with hit water to it's like hot chocolate.

Simple, easy - no fuss....and boring.  I am really looking forward to being able to eat food that actually has some flavor lol

But it's seriously nice to not be hungry for once!!

Day 8

Okay, it's been 8 days on the starvation diet and I am doing great!  Well, sorta...Last night I was ready to cheat, I mean seriously really ready to just rip open a bag of potato chips and just stick my head into the bag!!

Before I was on this diet I didn't really eat too many chips, but I did have a few now and then.  My biggest weakness is hot Cheetos - yum!  Anyways Demona was eating a few chips and I could smell them from across the room, and finally my mind snapped and I was like "Okay enough chips go to bed!!!".

Another weird thing is the weight shift, I am constantly, for the last 2 days, shifting between 231 and 230 lbs.  Either way I am happy, I am half way through and half way to my goal so alls well!!

I know I am not supposed to, but I have been weighting myself 2 or 3 times a day just to see how my weight fluctuates throughout the day.  It's actually really neat to be going through this, torturing but neat.  I have not heard my stomach grumble in years and years, but boy oh boy has it been grumbling lately!!

I also find my stomach feels empty and I feel lighter, not sure if thats in my mind or it's an actuality but it's also another neat feeling.  And you know by neat I mean I AM STARVING!!! lol

I am starting to get nervous about the actual surgery.  I have been reading other peoples' blogs about this surgery and I have read some pretty scary stuff.  Like if you don't lose enough fat from around your liver there is a danger that you will have bleeding.  One girl wrote about how she was in the hospital for 3 days after the surgery because of the bleeding and afterwards had to take some shots for blood thinning (I have no idea why you would want to thin your blood if you are bleeding, but umm yeah it's an online blog, not a doctors notes lol).

I really want to avoid any type of complication so I am going to keep on trying as hard as I can to lose as much weight as I can during this OptiYuk diet!

More later..

No Shopping!

Okay so going to the grocery store while on this diet is a BAD BAD idea!  I was close to ripping open packages and just shoveling stuff into my face right there in the grocery aisle!!

So this is what happened, My son Damien was out of milk and I was voted to go shopping, it's all part of the super secret Turkish plan to derail my diet.  So I go into my local Target Super center.  I quickly grab the milk I needed but then I was checking out what else had low calories that I could buy.  I am not sure if I can have any non-fat yogurt, so I checked the cals, and it was ugly, too much for my limited allowable intake.  Basically the only thing in the store I found was orange flavored zero cal vitamin water and some orange crystal lite.

Let me just say something, no matter what anyone tells you, OptiFast (aka optisludge) does not taste good with anything!!  If anything it ruins the flavor of whatever you mix it with.  Trust me I have tried!  I mixed it with yogurt, and milk and coffee and nothing makes it takes any better.  It's just junk.  You would think the people who make OptiPuke would make it takes better!!  But nooooo, they must torture the fat people...It's a conspiracy by all the skinny folk to keep us fat folk from tasting anything good, because they are jealous that we could eat as much of anything we want and they have to eat grass and drink water and actually exercise.

Oh well, I am hoping to join the army of skinny folks soon.  I too will eat greens and drink water and exercise my booty off, literally!! :)

Goals, Goals, Goals

Okay well I am not going to waste 2 hours looking yet again for a way to title this post, if it had a title is would be goals goals goals!

So I think setting goals is pretty important.  I have decided to set easily achievable goals so I feel like I am celebrating all the time.  For this first part of my weight loss, the pre-op starvation diet I am setting a goal of 10 lbs  in the 14 days.  I have already lost 4 lbs and I am on day 7.

My ultimate goal weight is 120 and I plan to hit that weight by march 22, 2012.

But I think setting a goal that is so far way is going to discourage me, so I am setting lots of short term goals.  Firstly I want to weight less than 200 lbs, at the moment I am 232.  Once I hit this goal I am going to try for 175, which was my weight when I met my husband and let me tell you I looked damn good :p

SO once I hit 175 I am going to go for 150 and then 120.  I think I am going to go shopping for new clothes as soon as I hit 175.  I have put off buying new clothes because I don't want to have to throw them away in a year - lol - I guess this shows how confident I am in this working!!

I cant even imagine what I am going to do once I hit 150 - I mean seriously it's going to be so weird!!  None of the clothes I have now are going to fit me!!  My PJs are going to feel like tents!  This is really exciting, I don't yet know how to properly convey my excitement on this blog but I am sure it's going to get easier as I keep blogging :)

I will post more later today - I gotta have a bit more coffee :p

Support

Okay day two of this blog, and I am already frustrated!! At least I am not thinking about food :) I cant figure out how to add a post title, and from everything I see on the web, this editor that I use to write the post should give me an option to add a title, but it does not! Oh well, moving on.

If this post DID have a title it would be called "Support"

I think it's very important to have the support of those around you, when you are considering this surgery. What I mean to say is my husband is an unsupportive git! There I said it! And no I am not taking it back! A few weeks ago I told someone (maybe Viv-my sister in law, or Tamara-My best friend) these exact words, "Just watch, as soon as I start this starvation diet Ayhan is going to start buying milk shakes and cookies and cakes and pies - all the shit he never eats! And he is going to leave them all over the house and eat them constantly".

I wasn't too far from the mark, today is day 6 and from day 1 he has just magically decided he wants cookies and pizza, and he is going to leave them all over the kitchen! My kitchen now looks like a fat kids paradise!! Not to mention my pantry is full of any type of chip and salty snack you can think of. The fridge is also jam packed with stuff, but this time it's cucumbers and tomatoes and all kinds of greenery that I crave constantly!!

This is nothing new, when I decided to quit smoking before I got pregnant with my second child, I went to a hypnotist and amazingly when I left his office I felt great! But as soon as I got home Ayhan jammed a pack of smokes in my face and was hounding me to have one. His excuse: "I am just seeing if the hypnotist works so I can go too" *coughBULLSHITcough*

The next time we decided to quit was last summer. This was going to be a team effort!! We were going to do it!! So 4 days in he decides he is too "stressed out" and cant continue, so I am left quiting all on my own.  He would smoke and come cuddle with me - mind you he never cuddle, this was just to make sure I got a nice whiff of the smoke.  Anyways I last a good 2 months and started smoking again - I don't blame Ayhan, I had a lot going on at the time and I was not ready to quit.  Hopefully soon I will be able to quit for good.

So now it's this diet, he is really having a hard time getting me to eat, and you can see the disappointment in his wee beady little eyes.  Yesterday I finally told him to clean up his cookies from the kitchen and start being supportive, of course he denied his lack of support, but seriously what is he going to say?  That he was purposefully trying to sabotage my chances at being Mini-Me?  I think not!

So make sure you have a good support group and get the whole family on board before you even begin this process, because trust me it's much harder when you have to fight every single day and this is just the pre-op fasting!!

It Starts...

Okay here goes nothing, my first post to a blog.  So I decided to start blogging mostly so that I can track my progress with my Lap-Band surgery.  I should have started this long time ago, like last September when I went to my first orientation meeting at Dr. Manuele's office, but really it wasn't a reality then.  Today, it is a reality, I am just 9 days away from the surgery and I am excited beyond explanation.

So let me start from the beginning...

I have always been "chunky".  I remember being 9 years old and my family talking to me about losing weight.  I look back at pictures of that time, I don't see how they say that.  I have a daughter who is 7, and I would never tell her she was fat.  What I would do is encourage her to be into more psychical activities, like soccer and dancing.

I was in gymnastics, but that didn't last long.  My family moves around a lot and when we moved my parents never bothered to put me in another gymnastics class, or any other activity for that matter.

So lets fast forward to age 12.  This was the first time I tried Slim Fast, the nastiest diet drink invented by man (at the time).  Well all was going well until my father found out that Slim Fast had caffeine in it, next thing I knew it was in the trash.  So lets fast forward again, to age 14.  This time I was going to lose all my extra weight, which looking back on pictures I would not say I was fat, I was just a bit chunky.

I worked my rear end off in the garage, jogging, lifting weights (a car muffler :p ) and even rode my stationary bike for HOURS.  I lost some weight, but I didn't know that eating nothing was actually hampering my progress.

So I struggled from that time on constantly dieting, cheating, feeling guilty for eating and generally having a horrible relationship with food.  By the time I turned 20 I was around 175 lbs, which would be fine if I was 6 ft tall but alas I am merely 5'1" so 175 looks more like 250 :p  I was having a lot of fun at this time and I dressed any way I wanted and didn't give a damn who thought I was fat, as a matter of fact I didn't even feel fat.

By age 23 I met and married my husband and he had no complaints about my weight.  Within a year of being married though I gained 25 pounds and was really feeling horrible.  I experimented with different ways to lose weight, juice fast, lemon juice diet, Atkins, and all the other BS that is out there and nothing worked.  I even busted my booty at the gym and that did nothing.  I remember leaving the gym and all I wanted to do was eat a ton of potato's, fried, mashed, baked - whatever, I didn't care I was just hungry!

So fast forward to Sept of 2010, a few month after the birth of my son.  I saw that my doctors office was offering Lap-Band and was holding an orientation for people to meet the doctor and learn what Lap-Band was all about.  I decided that it was time and I needed to do this, so one rainy night my sister-in-law and I drop the kids off at my parents house and went to go see what it was all about.

Dr. Manuelle was AWESOME!  The surgery was a cinch and Lap-Band was a miracle cure for my fat ass!!  Well that's not all true, but that is exactly how I felt at the time.  So I set up an appointment, got all my paperwork in order and went in to my various appointment:

First, call insurance company and find out if I need to be seen at a center of excellence...I didn't...Check Done AWESOME!

Second, meet with my doctor and get an appointment for a consultation with Dr Manuelle...Check

Third, Meet with a dietitian and go over what I have done so far to lose weight and why it has not worked and why I need the surgery...DONE!  Woot Woot Check!

Fourth, Meet with a therapist and make sure I am not crazy....how I passed this test I don't know but guess what...CHECK, DONE, BoooYa!!

Lastly I had to fill out a ton of papers explaining my medical history and showing all the different things I had done to lose weight and how I failed.  This part was pretty tedious, but I got through it....Check!

I met with Dr. Manuelle and he went over what the surgery would entail and asked if I had any questions, and I did not..I was just ready to change my life for the better...come on lets do this !!

I had to get an ultrasound to make sure there was nothing freaky going on inside of me, and that I didn't have gallstones, and I had to have some blood work - I had them both done that week.

I waited a few days for the nurses to call me back with a surgery date.  This part was a little tricky, we had a previous unpaid bill with my doctor that was on payments of around $70 a month but the Docs wanted it all paid off before they scheduled my surgery...so I had to wait 2 extra months to pay off the bill.  So finally I went in 2 weeks ago and paid it off and the girls made my appointment for the surgery, March 22, 2011.

So now here we sit.  I am doing the first part of the "getting ready for Lap-Band" which is to drink this horrid drink called OptiFast

I started the OptiFast on March 8th, and today is day 5 of my starvation diet.  Turns out they want you to diet so you lose some of the fat around your liver so your stomach is more easily accessible.  This part is so hard, I think of food constantly.  My tummy rumbles and I feel like I am starving.  But I think of it this way, only 9 more days to go!!!

So I am going to try and write every day, I am really interested to see how I change (if any) from now until I reach my goal weight!