Weepy

I don't know if it's because I cheated yesterday or because mother nature decided to send Aunt Flo my way today, but today I am weepy as hell.  I just wanna crawl into a dark place and cry my eyes out.  I just finished watch tons of videos on you tube showing people losing incredible amounts of weight from the lap-band.  You would think that would make me happy but somehow it only makes me want to cry more.

I wish I had someone to go through this with me, someone to commiserate with, but I don't have that option.  I feel really alone right now.

I know I am the person I am because of my weight.  People who are bigger has awesome personalities, hell we have to!  We are the party starters, the jokers, the fun makers.  If I had started out as a skinny minnie I would probably not have this incredible need to make people like me.  The need to put a smile on peoples faces so they ignore the outside.

I am pretty angry too.  I look at someone like my husband, he will never be overweight - he eats the most awful garbage in the world, and I am sure his cholesterol is through the roof, but he is skinny, and that really pisses me off.  It's so frustrating to know that I can do everything he does and eat everything he eats, in exactly the amounts  he eats and I will gain and he won't.

My sister in laws friend hates exercise and loves to eat and she is skinny!  Does she work for it?  Hell NO!  It's disgusting.  I just hope this surgery works.  I am at my wits end and completely frustrated already.  I have the motivation but not the faith that it will work.

I have to push myself into a positive mood.  I can't sit around feeling sorry for myself.  It's very hard to look over my life and see how much different it would be had I been skinny.  I truly believe, had I been skinny, I would have a whole different outlook on life, a different group of friends, and a completely different attitude and personality.  I am who I am because of the weight, and I think most overweight people are like me.  We are lovable and kind and considerate and have tons of compassion for everyone.  We can relate to most other folks with disablities because we are basically in the same boat.

I recently heard someone (maybe it was a comedian) saying something like, fat people are fat because they can't control their urge to eat.  He suggested that all we need to do to lose the weight is to get our mouth sewn shut.  It's crazy but I thought to myself, "Can he be right?"  I am upset by his comments but I am also questioning myself now.

Bah!!  What a shitty day.  I have to do something to change my mood!  I have easter baskets to make and plastic eggs to fill and fun stuff to plan for the upcoming easter party I plan to have her at my house for all the kids.  It's going to be a blast.

I think I might try to stay away from YouTube for the rest of the time before my surgery, for some reason the "watch me shrink" videos are pushing me into a dark depression and I don't need that shit right now.  I just wish Ayhan was more supportive and would sit and hear out my problems.  It's hard going at this alone.  My best friend is too busy with her life. my daughter is too young and wouldn't understand why I am crying, I don't have any relationship with my parents.  Skinny people don't understand this problem, so I can't really ask my sister in law for advice...as a matter of fact I don't really know anyone who has had or is planning to have this surgery, who can help me go through this mess.  Maybe I should call my Doc and ask if he has anyone he can recommend for me to talk to.

Damn there I go again, I have to stop now.  Seriously, it might just be time to go shopping and try to get the hell out of this funk!!  I am going to get up and shake off this mess because this is the beginning of a new life and I can do this!!  Just watch me!!

(I think Charlie Sheen has infected me with his craziness!!  Crazy Bastich!!)